Monsieur Masseur

I'm addicted to professional massages. Unfortunately, my bank account does not allow me to indulge in this addiction very often. So, when a salon that I had a gift certificate for started offering massage services recently, it was cause for excitement.

I called to make an appointment and the receptionist confirmed the date and time. "You're all set for a 30 minute neck and back massage with Daniel," she said. Great! Uh, wait a second, what was that last part? Did you say Daniel? As in a man? Rubbing oil all over my neck and back? This could be weird.

I've always gone to a woman masseuse, it's what I'm comfortable with. Massages can be very intimate situations that are completely dependent on your ability to relax. Most involve getting completely naked, lying on a cozy, cushioned, heated table in a dimly lit room with soft music playing. For me, it's the most relaxing thing in the universe. My mind wanders into complete nothingness as the silky-smooth hands of a professional massage therapist hit all the right pressure points and release all of those nasty toxins. It is heaven.

Having some dude at the helm of my journey to relaxation was a little scary. Would I be comfortable? Would I be able to relax? What business does a man have getting into a profession that involves rubbing oil all over naked women? (I have similar feelings about male gynecologists). I considered calling back and rescheduling for a manicure, but what the hell, a free massage is a free massage and I was sure that Daniel was a professional. He deserved a fair shot. Besides, it was just neck and back, not like I had to take my pants off.

So, I went. And it was weird. And Daniel was hot. Which made it weirder. And he was not the best massage therapist I've ever been to, which was a little disappointing. But, I conquered my fear of masseurs and used up my gift certificate, so all was not lost.

It wasn't that he was bad, I've just had way better (nothing will ever compare to Ariel at the Paris Spa by Mandara in Las Vegas.) And it was different. His hands were rough. His sneakers squeaked on the tile floor. He tried to make small talk. I had to stifle a giggle fit when he asked if the pressure was OK and said, "Tell me if you want more." He was also on the short side, which put his crotch basically on my head when he bent over the top of the table to reach down my back. The whole thing had qualities comparable to an awkward one-night stand, including when I told him I'd call again.

I'll be sticking with female massage therapists in the future. I don't want to base my opinion of all masseurs on Daniel, I'm sure there are amazing ones out there, but I will never be 100 percent comfortable in a room with a strange man, without my clothes on. And to Daniel - thanks for being my first. I'll never forget you.

Target Women

Check out Sarah Haskin's hilarious Target Women videos on Current.com. She makes fun of gender-specific advertising and other things society says girls should like or be good at, including cleaning, feeding your family and chick flicks. I'm a fan of the Disney Princesses and the Number Two episodes. Check them all out by clicking here.

Things That Make Me Feel Better When I'm Down

1. Alcohol
There's nothing like sipping on a few guilt-free citrus vodka and soda waters (zero calories!) to take the edge off. Or, a Black Forest Martini, complete with chocolate swizzle stick (4,000 calories). Or both. This is usually done with good friends who won't judge me for drunkenly yelling about whatever (or more likely, whoever) has made me feel crappy. The yelling is done loudly with lots of hand waving and swearing. If the alcohol is consumed alone, there are serious problems.

2. Shopping
Buying new clothes seems to work best. It's a real morale booster to have fancy new outfits to wear. Shoes work too, especially FM shoes. If you don't know what that means, google it. A girl means business when she's wearing FM shoes. If it's one of those days that I can't find a single thing to wear that doesn't make me feel like a bloated manatee, a larger purchase is necessary. Electronics or jewelery are nice substitutes.

3. Eating
Comfort foods, including pasta, anything involving ground beef and chocolate baked goods are a must, preferably all in one meal.

4. Country Music
When you work at a county fair for six years, you learn to like country music a little or you hang yourself. For some reason, listening to lyrics like, "I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive. You’re a redneck, heartbreak who’s really been a lie," puts me in a better mood.

5. Working Out
When I've gorged myself on food and drink, spent all of my money and can't stand one more backwoods country sob story with a twang, I drag myself to the gym. I'm usually kicking and screaming on the inside, but when I get into a groove on the elliptical and break a sweat, the endorphins kick in and I feel like Lara Croft or something. I could kick anyone's ass. And maybe I will.

If drinks aren't involved, neither am I.

That's the card I got from my dear friend Tami. Oh how I love that girl. She works for the American Cancer Society and I went down to Bonaventure with her a few weeks ago to keep her company during the Bonas Relay for Life. We laughed, we cried, she convinced me to buy the Vera Bradley large duffel in the pink elephant pattern and we ate the most delicious maple syrup on the face of the planet the next morning at Sprague's. So she sent me a thank you card, complete with thank you gift, for keeping her sane, and tells me that I'm a good friend. Doesn't that just make you smile? Thanks Tam, I love ya.

Speaking of friends that I love, things are looking up in regard to a certain vacation coming up in June. I'm actually really excited to go to Vegas now. I'm fairly certain that it's going to be four days of absolute ridiculousness, as it should be. Now we just need to pick a hotel.

For awhile there, I was worried that this summer wouldn't be the same. People are moving, situations are different, tensions were rising. I was right, it won't be the same, but it'll still be great. Change isn't a bad thing if you let things go and just let it happen.